my very own wardrobe malfunction

So I always figured that the time I rolled down those metal bleachers in 7th grade at a packed basketball game (in my defense, my friend Sasha and I were messing around and she playfully kicked me standing in front of her, which prompted my fall from grace) would be my most embarrassing moment. From that point on, all my friends and upperclassmen referred to me as the human bowling ball, because I literally rolled, body tucked, down the bleachers from top to near bottom. But, that embarrassment I felt was nothing compared to what I experienced as an adult this past Friday. This past Friday, what I experienced was (in the words of my roommate) one of those terribly embarrassing moments that people send into "cosmo" and you read it and feel physical discomfort for the person who is claiming that hideously embarrassing moment! But then she also went on to say "at least its good blogging material." I guess she is right, so I put this into words for you and I hope this post makes you laugh and cringe all at the same time, and if it does, then at least this painfully embarrassing moment will have been worth it.

So I just started working, one night a week, at my health club. It was my second week working without someone training me in. I am currently housesitting, so I went to the house first to drop my things off, change into my uniform, watch Gaga on Oprah and then head out for my 6-9pm shift. I quickly stopped at Ulta to pick up my skin care, grabbed it off the shelf, walked up to the counter, the check out girl informs me it is buy 2 get one free, well that shit is expensive, so if I have an opportunity to get a bottle of that lotion free, I am taking it. so I walk away from the counter (yes, these details are important), go grab another bottle and head back up front. I leave the store, get in my car with cold leather seats (again important) and head over to the gym.

I walk in, say hello to my co-workers, walk thru the entire gym floor and the locker room, to the back room and back out to the front of the club. Now this is where I am standing at the counter, checking the coffee and tea supply, when my sweet little co-worker walks up behind me, puts her hands on my shoulders, whispers in my ear "honey, come walk with me in the backroom, your pants are ripped on the seam on your ASS." Yup, thats right folks, I was wearing a thong and I just showed every woman at Ulta and at my health club my asshole!

I literally freeze in embarrassment, freaking out and asking Allison what the fuck I am going to do, I am so f-ing mortified and I am really trying to find humor in this but just can't stop wondering how many people are on their treadmill secretly laughing at the fact that they just saw my asshole!

I hid in the backroom for a good 45 minutes, hoping that anyone who saw would have left the club by the time I would find the courage to walk back on the fitness floor. While I was sitting back there, I finally figured out that I could tie my fleece around my waist to cover the hideous wardrobe malfunction. All I could keep thinking is a) the co-worker that barely knows me and had the guts to tell me deserves an award for not letting me spend the night bending over cleaning the club and offending members and b) how in the hell did I not feel that there was a rip in my pants when I sat on the cold leather car seats....MOTHER EFFER!

So this moment in my life, although not the worst thing that could happen to me, definitely, most definitely, bruised my tiny, little ego. I am just about to head to the gym for the first time since the incident and I am starting to freak out about who will see my face and have flashbacks to my exposed ass! But I can promise you, I don't think I will ever leave my house without checking my pants multiple times. So if you see me, getting out of my car, running my hand down the back of my pants, don't judge, I am just looking out for my ego and your eyes!

on the wings of love...

yeah right, more like on the verge of trading in your pretty little "rose ceremony" dress for a straight jacket. These women on "The Bachelor - On the Wings of Love" are out of their fucking minds! Believe me, I am not one of those people that gets on my high horse and thinks I am above watching reality television. I will openly admit that my tivo is full of crap like jersey shore, real world and rock of love -I mean how else is a girl supposed to keep up with those kardashians - but the Bachelor is just embarrassing. I am the kind of person that gets easily embarrassed for others, I love watching Friends, but often found myself in physical pain watching Ross. so believe me when I tell you, that I am practically curled up in a ball and shaking while watching this shit.

For the record, I really want to stop watching it, but I am dying to know if Reality Steve is actually privy to as much info as he claims. I suggest you do not read his blog if you don't want to know who is actually "on the wings of love" and headed to the final rose ceremony or if you really want to believe that true love is discovered on this overly produced drama.

I realize that some of the women on the show are there because they aspire to be the next Melissa Rycroft and become an overnight celebrity, dancing with the stars and reporting on GMA...but seriously, that won't happen to you, nor will you win the heart of some short, totally emo pilot. How can these women be saying they already love him and know they belong with him after meeting him for two minutes. And what self-respecting woman goes on national television and cries about getting sent home after being at a cocktail party, not a date, with this guy? I wouldn't even cry on camera for the world to see if my grandma just died.

I am more impressed by Snooki and the Situation on Jersey Shore because they have some confidence, they can fist pump like the best of them, they stand up for themselves, and I am pretty sure they get that this show is for fun...and shit, they are reaping the benefits, little Snooki just got paid $10k for an appearance in Florida and thats a lot better than being sent home in a limo, bawling your eyes out because you were cast to play the desperate single mother on the bachelor and shocker...he didn't want to take on you and your baggage.

But at the end of the day, I feel for my fellow single ladies (even if you give all women a bad reputation), its not easy finding a decent man, and if Jake is your cup of tea, go for it. But I will gladly forfeit the bachelor for a little - 4'9" little - "snookin for love" any day of the week.

Whats underneath that bra

I know there have been multiple posts and rants about last week's bra color status updates on facebook, but I have just been feeling the need to weigh in on this. When I first got the message in my inbox, my initial reaction was to dismiss it as another one of those silly forwards that my very compassionate and optimistic best friend always likes to send on. However, later in the day when I logged in, I was shocked to see how many of my female friends had participated and once again, blown away by the power of social media.

The fact that the initial message wasn't exactly strategic or well written makes it pretty apparent that this was not coming from the Susan G Komens of the world, but instead some random college, scratch that, high school boys wanted to know what color bras the hot chicks at school were wearing. However, the end result was that it left people talking about it, and should serve as a reminder to those of us that have an important, sometimes life-saving, message to share that social media should not be ignored.

My cousin (age 34), recently diagnosed and successfully treated for breast cancer, was quite reasonably annoyed with this because in her words "she was just happy to be wearing a bra again" because after her surgery she was in so much pain that she could not bare to strap one on and hold up the girls in healing. I can't imagine what her experience was like at such a young age, and I am so thankful that she is going to come out of this even more amazing than before, but I had to remind her that if the unintended result of these status updates was that one woman was reminded to perform her self exam, then it was a success (Let's not forget that our government recently changed their stance on the recommended age for mammograms).

As a person that works in the nonprofit sector and has simple, life changing messages to share, I want to believe that everyday people and activities have the power to change lives. So the next time (and we all know there will be a next time) there is some silly message spreading like wildfire over the internet, just hold back the cynic inside you (and I will have to stop myself too) and ask yourself if there is an underlying message that although missed by many, could impact just a few people who need it.