my very own wardrobe malfunction

So I always figured that the time I rolled down those metal bleachers in 7th grade at a packed basketball game (in my defense, my friend Sasha and I were messing around and she playfully kicked me standing in front of her, which prompted my fall from grace) would be my most embarrassing moment. From that point on, all my friends and upperclassmen referred to me as the human bowling ball, because I literally rolled, body tucked, down the bleachers from top to near bottom. But, that embarrassment I felt was nothing compared to what I experienced as an adult this past Friday. This past Friday, what I experienced was (in the words of my roommate) one of those terribly embarrassing moments that people send into "cosmo" and you read it and feel physical discomfort for the person who is claiming that hideously embarrassing moment! But then she also went on to say "at least its good blogging material." I guess she is right, so I put this into words for you and I hope this post makes you laugh and cringe all at the same time, and if it does, then at least this painfully embarrassing moment will have been worth it.

So I just started working, one night a week, at my health club. It was my second week working without someone training me in. I am currently housesitting, so I went to the house first to drop my things off, change into my uniform, watch Gaga on Oprah and then head out for my 6-9pm shift. I quickly stopped at Ulta to pick up my skin care, grabbed it off the shelf, walked up to the counter, the check out girl informs me it is buy 2 get one free, well that shit is expensive, so if I have an opportunity to get a bottle of that lotion free, I am taking it. so I walk away from the counter (yes, these details are important), go grab another bottle and head back up front. I leave the store, get in my car with cold leather seats (again important) and head over to the gym.

I walk in, say hello to my co-workers, walk thru the entire gym floor and the locker room, to the back room and back out to the front of the club. Now this is where I am standing at the counter, checking the coffee and tea supply, when my sweet little co-worker walks up behind me, puts her hands on my shoulders, whispers in my ear "honey, come walk with me in the backroom, your pants are ripped on the seam on your ASS." Yup, thats right folks, I was wearing a thong and I just showed every woman at Ulta and at my health club my asshole!

I literally freeze in embarrassment, freaking out and asking Allison what the fuck I am going to do, I am so f-ing mortified and I am really trying to find humor in this but just can't stop wondering how many people are on their treadmill secretly laughing at the fact that they just saw my asshole!

I hid in the backroom for a good 45 minutes, hoping that anyone who saw would have left the club by the time I would find the courage to walk back on the fitness floor. While I was sitting back there, I finally figured out that I could tie my fleece around my waist to cover the hideous wardrobe malfunction. All I could keep thinking is a) the co-worker that barely knows me and had the guts to tell me deserves an award for not letting me spend the night bending over cleaning the club and offending members and b) how in the hell did I not feel that there was a rip in my pants when I sat on the cold leather car seats....MOTHER EFFER!

So this moment in my life, although not the worst thing that could happen to me, definitely, most definitely, bruised my tiny, little ego. I am just about to head to the gym for the first time since the incident and I am starting to freak out about who will see my face and have flashbacks to my exposed ass! But I can promise you, I don't think I will ever leave my house without checking my pants multiple times. So if you see me, getting out of my car, running my hand down the back of my pants, don't judge, I am just looking out for my ego and your eyes!