I would rather be last place than the runner up

Remember the saying, "second place is the first loser" well that's how I feel right now... I feel like a big fucking loser. Yes, I am in one of those moods where I want to write about how I feel like a big failure, that life is a bitch, and rejection can take its sorry ass and go straight to hell. Whoever said rejection makes you stronger is just some asshole that had a really good pharmacist. Because this sucks, I feel like shit and I don't know what's next.

How is that for a blog post?

Why wait?

Its been a long time since I have written anything. I have started many posts, but they all sit, unfinished and unorganized in my drafts folder (which seems to be an overarching theme in my life lately). I try to figure out if this blogging venture is just another thing in my life that I start but never finish, I tend to do that a lot. Part of why I wanted to jump into blogging is because I wanted to push myself, but that has not happened....yet anyway.

Everytime I walk away from an unfinished post, I feel frustrated and find myself blaming it on writer's block. But its not writer's block at all. Trust me, I have a lot to say - too much to say, really. I am dying to put it all out there. I dream of writing something so honest and so raw that it moves the 2-3 people that might actually read this blog.

So what is stopping me? After reflecting on this for weeks, I have decided that I am afraid of offending someone I know in real life. As much as some might see me as strong, opinionated and often bitchy...there is a big part of me that is a people pleaser, that cares too much what people think and most of all, doesn't want them to know what really goes on in my head.

The other issue is that I am a control freak, I have been wanting to find find my niche or develop a theme for this blog. I haven't wanted to post until I have laid out my vision and my plan for this site. Because just like many other things in my life, I have such great anxiety about letting things just develop on their own, letting life or this blog develop a theme naturally.

So, here is my new pledge. I am going to be open, I am going to put forth the best that I can and let things HAPPEN ON THEIR OWN. I have to believe that just like many things in life, I will get out what I put in to it.

I hate the phrase "bucket list"....

but I really like the idea of keeping a list of all the things I want to do. I like the idea because my memory is already starting to go and I can't ever think of things I want to do, but more importantly, I am a list person and more than ever, I LOVE crossing things off my list. I think its good for my self esteem or something, to see that I am actually doing something productive with my days and/or my life. So without further ado, here is my life list(and it will be ongoing):

1. rent a paddle boat or canoe on lake calhoun and go around isles and cedar lake too
2. take my picture by the golden gate bridge
3. learn how to play craps (preferably with a cute guy)
4. run a 5k
5. go to a broadway show
6. go to mardi gras in new orleans
7. visit the empire state building
8. ride on a harley (preferably behind a hot man)
9. learn how to sail
10. 
    

G2 changes lives...for real!

Its honestly never a good thing when happy hour, turns in to happy hourS. I left work at 3 to go play some super mario bros and drink a beer with my co-worker. well after the week we had, 3 tall beers went down really well and I was so tired that I was feeling pretty good, really quickly. fast forward a few hours and a group of us depart from our respective happy hours and come together for another few hours of liver destruction. and mother effer...that was a bad decision, because two days later, I am STILL hungover...OH MY G2, my body hates me so much.

Seriously, sometimes I wonder when the hell I am going to grow up.... oh and speaking of G2, that "Tiger Juice" is life changing. I was literally on my death bed and my head was in a vice grip and within minutes of my first sip of that grape gatorade, I felt like a new woman. But then, as I begin to think more clearly, I have a flashback to my "episode" on the dance floor. I remember the f-ing Miley Cyrus' party in the USA song coming on and naturally I created my imaginary gun with my fingers and started shooting people as I walked off the dance floor yelling at them for dancing to that little ho-bag. Can we say anger management???

As of right now, I still can't look at liquor without dry heaving and oh my god, my back hurts from trying to rid my stomach of any ounce of liquor yesterday and my throat...definitely going to have throat cancer some day with all the stomach acid that has exited my body heading north.

but seriously do you think I would laugh this hard with my friends if we didn't allow ourselves to have these nights every once in a while? I mean who gets to decide that just because we aren't in college we can't have occasional nights we can barely remember? I work hard and if I am ever able to stomach booze again, I am sure I will have a night like this a couple times a year...but maybe without vodka uhhh, excuse me while I gag.

my very own wardrobe malfunction

So I always figured that the time I rolled down those metal bleachers in 7th grade at a packed basketball game (in my defense, my friend Sasha and I were messing around and she playfully kicked me standing in front of her, which prompted my fall from grace) would be my most embarrassing moment. From that point on, all my friends and upperclassmen referred to me as the human bowling ball, because I literally rolled, body tucked, down the bleachers from top to near bottom. But, that embarrassment I felt was nothing compared to what I experienced as an adult this past Friday. This past Friday, what I experienced was (in the words of my roommate) one of those terribly embarrassing moments that people send into "cosmo" and you read it and feel physical discomfort for the person who is claiming that hideously embarrassing moment! But then she also went on to say "at least its good blogging material." I guess she is right, so I put this into words for you and I hope this post makes you laugh and cringe all at the same time, and if it does, then at least this painfully embarrassing moment will have been worth it.

So I just started working, one night a week, at my health club. It was my second week working without someone training me in. I am currently housesitting, so I went to the house first to drop my things off, change into my uniform, watch Gaga on Oprah and then head out for my 6-9pm shift. I quickly stopped at Ulta to pick up my skin care, grabbed it off the shelf, walked up to the counter, the check out girl informs me it is buy 2 get one free, well that shit is expensive, so if I have an opportunity to get a bottle of that lotion free, I am taking it. so I walk away from the counter (yes, these details are important), go grab another bottle and head back up front. I leave the store, get in my car with cold leather seats (again important) and head over to the gym.

I walk in, say hello to my co-workers, walk thru the entire gym floor and the locker room, to the back room and back out to the front of the club. Now this is where I am standing at the counter, checking the coffee and tea supply, when my sweet little co-worker walks up behind me, puts her hands on my shoulders, whispers in my ear "honey, come walk with me in the backroom, your pants are ripped on the seam on your ASS." Yup, thats right folks, I was wearing a thong and I just showed every woman at Ulta and at my health club my asshole!

I literally freeze in embarrassment, freaking out and asking Allison what the fuck I am going to do, I am so f-ing mortified and I am really trying to find humor in this but just can't stop wondering how many people are on their treadmill secretly laughing at the fact that they just saw my asshole!

I hid in the backroom for a good 45 minutes, hoping that anyone who saw would have left the club by the time I would find the courage to walk back on the fitness floor. While I was sitting back there, I finally figured out that I could tie my fleece around my waist to cover the hideous wardrobe malfunction. All I could keep thinking is a) the co-worker that barely knows me and had the guts to tell me deserves an award for not letting me spend the night bending over cleaning the club and offending members and b) how in the hell did I not feel that there was a rip in my pants when I sat on the cold leather car seats....MOTHER EFFER!

So this moment in my life, although not the worst thing that could happen to me, definitely, most definitely, bruised my tiny, little ego. I am just about to head to the gym for the first time since the incident and I am starting to freak out about who will see my face and have flashbacks to my exposed ass! But I can promise you, I don't think I will ever leave my house without checking my pants multiple times. So if you see me, getting out of my car, running my hand down the back of my pants, don't judge, I am just looking out for my ego and your eyes!

on the wings of love...

yeah right, more like on the verge of trading in your pretty little "rose ceremony" dress for a straight jacket. These women on "The Bachelor - On the Wings of Love" are out of their fucking minds! Believe me, I am not one of those people that gets on my high horse and thinks I am above watching reality television. I will openly admit that my tivo is full of crap like jersey shore, real world and rock of love -I mean how else is a girl supposed to keep up with those kardashians - but the Bachelor is just embarrassing. I am the kind of person that gets easily embarrassed for others, I love watching Friends, but often found myself in physical pain watching Ross. so believe me when I tell you, that I am practically curled up in a ball and shaking while watching this shit.

For the record, I really want to stop watching it, but I am dying to know if Reality Steve is actually privy to as much info as he claims. I suggest you do not read his blog if you don't want to know who is actually "on the wings of love" and headed to the final rose ceremony or if you really want to believe that true love is discovered on this overly produced drama.

I realize that some of the women on the show are there because they aspire to be the next Melissa Rycroft and become an overnight celebrity, dancing with the stars and reporting on GMA...but seriously, that won't happen to you, nor will you win the heart of some short, totally emo pilot. How can these women be saying they already love him and know they belong with him after meeting him for two minutes. And what self-respecting woman goes on national television and cries about getting sent home after being at a cocktail party, not a date, with this guy? I wouldn't even cry on camera for the world to see if my grandma just died.

I am more impressed by Snooki and the Situation on Jersey Shore because they have some confidence, they can fist pump like the best of them, they stand up for themselves, and I am pretty sure they get that this show is for fun...and shit, they are reaping the benefits, little Snooki just got paid $10k for an appearance in Florida and thats a lot better than being sent home in a limo, bawling your eyes out because you were cast to play the desperate single mother on the bachelor and shocker...he didn't want to take on you and your baggage.

But at the end of the day, I feel for my fellow single ladies (even if you give all women a bad reputation), its not easy finding a decent man, and if Jake is your cup of tea, go for it. But I will gladly forfeit the bachelor for a little - 4'9" little - "snookin for love" any day of the week.

Whats underneath that bra

I know there have been multiple posts and rants about last week's bra color status updates on facebook, but I have just been feeling the need to weigh in on this. When I first got the message in my inbox, my initial reaction was to dismiss it as another one of those silly forwards that my very compassionate and optimistic best friend always likes to send on. However, later in the day when I logged in, I was shocked to see how many of my female friends had participated and once again, blown away by the power of social media.

The fact that the initial message wasn't exactly strategic or well written makes it pretty apparent that this was not coming from the Susan G Komens of the world, but instead some random college, scratch that, high school boys wanted to know what color bras the hot chicks at school were wearing. However, the end result was that it left people talking about it, and should serve as a reminder to those of us that have an important, sometimes life-saving, message to share that social media should not be ignored.

My cousin (age 34), recently diagnosed and successfully treated for breast cancer, was quite reasonably annoyed with this because in her words "she was just happy to be wearing a bra again" because after her surgery she was in so much pain that she could not bare to strap one on and hold up the girls in healing. I can't imagine what her experience was like at such a young age, and I am so thankful that she is going to come out of this even more amazing than before, but I had to remind her that if the unintended result of these status updates was that one woman was reminded to perform her self exam, then it was a success (Let's not forget that our government recently changed their stance on the recommended age for mammograms).

As a person that works in the nonprofit sector and has simple, life changing messages to share, I want to believe that everyday people and activities have the power to change lives. So the next time (and we all know there will be a next time) there is some silly message spreading like wildfire over the internet, just hold back the cynic inside you (and I will have to stop myself too) and ask yourself if there is an underlying message that although missed by many, could impact just a few people who need it.

talking about myself ain't easy...

I suppose I should tell you about myself....talking about myself really isn't my thing, I would much rather hear about others, so I decided to create a list of random things about Kelly (I apologize for being so cliche):

1. I am totally freaked out about writing a public blog, especially since I have never considered myself a writer, or kept any sort of journal of my life
2. I am the middle child - first between my biological sisters and remained in the middle after two step brothers were added. However, I possess very few characteristics of the middle child... I am much more like the bossy first born.
3. I have a masters in nonprofit management and I'm likely to give you a very nasty look if you say I wasted my money because I will never make money, or if you patronize me by saying how rewarding it must be or how noble I am, thus implying I work for nothing. Yes it is rewarding, but just because its non profit doesn't mean there isn't money to be made, I make a pretty good living that is comparable to my friends in the private sector.
4. I have terrible taste in movies, rarely like them if they are oscar nominated or critically acclaimed.
5. I have dog named Henry and I am completely in love with his cute furry face, but sometimes find myself having a very short fuse with him, therefore really questioning my ability to be a mom some day.
6. I love, love, love dancing - especially spontaneous dance parties in my living room
7. I live with my hetero life partner (HLP) Bekah - its pretty sick how we finish eachother's sentences, BBM when we go to bed (separate beds) and our parents think that we are really good for eachother. However, my life would be extremely boring without her (refer back to number 6)
8. I am a horrible procrastinator. Yet somehow I became an event planner which doesn't seem like they would work well together, but I think my lifelong procrastination issue has strengthened my ability to work well under pressure, therefore making me a great event planner.
9. I am losing my tolerance for people who are completely oblivious to those around them, especially the assholes in the grocery story that block the entire aisle with their cart and their ass.
10. I have never traveled out of North America and don't even own a passport, but plan to change that very soon.
11. My biggest regret is not studying abroad while in college when it would have been so easy to see so much of the world
12. I left the first college I went to after two weeks, not sure why, but still maintain it wasn't because I was homesick. But I have no regrets about it, because I know I ended up where I belong and met my best friends.
13. I have never told my step dad that I love him, even though he changed my mom and sisters' lives for the better.
14. Speaking of my sisters, I don't feel I have the typical sister relationship, barely can be in the same room with my younger sister, but really do not know why and wish that it was not that way.
15. I love music, I can relate almost any song to a specific point and place in my life, but this love causes me to spend way too much money on itunes

I have already run out of things to write about myself thus realizing this blog is going to be a stretch for me, but for me this is about personal growth so I will continue to push myself. I hope someday I look back at this and laugh at myself for being so nervous and most importantly be able to see how I have developed as a writer and a person (uhhh I am already feeling so impatient).

Not waiting to be happy

Most of my really close friends are married and some starting to have kids. I love being a part of their lives and seeing their happiness. I honestly LOVE seeing my friends truly happy and I just know that most of them really are, the kind of happiness that you don't fake and always find yourself searching for more. I look at them and they make me happy, they help suppress the cynic in me that thinks I will never find that kind of love. I have high standards and thanks to them, I have a great example of what a relationship should be like (I am a product of divorce and a dad that is a “reformed” wife beater).

Anyway, what I was getting at, is why are there some people who seem to think those of us single girls must be so sad and lonely waiting for it to happen to us? Who are you kidding? I am having a great f-ing time with my hetero life partner and the other singles in my life, as well as the couples and their children. I know that I am living a life that is different from those in relationships, but different isn't bad. Let's face it, I know that there has to be times that you are jealous I am able to do whatever when I want to.

However, there is a flipside to my statements in the last paragraph. There are so many times that I look at some of you and would give anything to have a husband to build a life with, and dream about our future together. I want kids and sometimes, I am so jealous that you have that beautiful child in your life that brings so much happiness to your life everyday. But that jealousy is not to be misinterpreted as bitterness. Although envious – and yes admittedly disappointed that you can't party with me until 2am because your mother in-law can't won't babysit overnight – I find so much joy from the love and happiness that surrounds you.

I am not bitter, not in the least. I have some of the same dreams, but I fully accept that now is not my time to have the exact same life and be on the same timeline as those around me. I am so so freaking happy (yes, I have my days) with the path that I am on right now and loving this adventure.* So don't feel bad for me, don't think I am bitter at you because your life is moving in a different direction and you reached a certain point before me (don't forget, I have accomplished things that you haven't, thats what makes us different and love each other even more). I have full confidence that those who are important to me will always be there for me, even if they have a spouse and a small child to put before me.

Its just a nice reminder for all of us, that just because we haven't reached our destination or have the slightest clue where the hell we are going, does not mean you can't enjoy the ride along the way. Life is happening now, stop waiting for something to happen.

*that might change if my hetero life partner ever leaves me --- Relax Bekah.. I am KIDDING!!!!

Looking for my place in the blogosphere

For well over a year now, I have been wanting to start a blog. There are many reasons I want to join the blog world, for instance, improve my writing skills, document life experiences, track my personal growth, share knowledge and experiences with others. But as I have slowly crept (and crept can be interpreted as the slow movement or as the voyeuristic manner in which I read people's blogs and tweets but rarely comment) I realized that I have watched people share the most unfathomable experiences and tragedies with strangers and friends alike, and find the support they never dreamt they had.

Last April, I sat back and watched, in tears, as a young mom unexpectedly lost her only daughter at 17 months - The Spohrs Are Multiplying - and the world of bloggers rallied in every way possible so that this child's cruel death wouldn't overshadow the impact she had on this earth in such a short time. I still wake up nearly everyday and read her blog, because its a reminder of why I go to work and bust my ass for what some would think, very little money (more on the career later).

I consider myself a very compassionate person. Some that know me well may argue that I am opinionated, and bitchy at times. But I care deeply about the lives of others, I feel physical pain when I see so much of the cruelty and hate in the world. But then I realize that there is so much love, I find a lot of hope in the amazing people who are in this world and I find solace in the kindness shown from one stranger to another. I find myself longing to join this community that exists. I am just a normal, 28-year-old in search of a great career, love, meaning and life and most of all happiness. I didn't have a lot of confidence (and still don't) that I would have a lot of to share with everyone or that I might share too much, hence the title, but I figure it is likely that my blog will never be the “must read” on someone's daily list of blogs to read or maybe even read by anyone for that matter. That being said, I realize that I have a hell of a lot to give to others. If someone is in need and I can help, even by just sending words of encouragement, I know I can do that.

So, I am off on this adventure and I am joining this new world and I can't wait to get to know all of you and work on sharing myself.